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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23632393">Who could ever Love me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckysinthesinbin/pseuds/buckysinthesinbin'>buckysinthesinbin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Fluff, Bucky deserves many hugs, Bucky is a giant softie, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Low Self-Esteem, Swearing, and is a great kisser, i demand kisses, i think, low self worth, mentions of bullying, natasha is beautiful af, reader doesnt think highly of themselves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:54:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,548</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23632393</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckysinthesinbin/pseuds/buckysinthesinbin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>**</p><p>You’re never born hating yourself.</p><p>You are taught to despise yourself by others and its something that follows you as you grow older. So the moment the man you’ve fallen in love with tells you he feels the same way you don’t believe him, because how could anyone love you?</p><p>Is he able to change your mind?</p><p>**</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bucky Barnes x Reader, Bucky Barnes/Reader, Bucky/reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/You, bucky x reader - Relationship, james "bucky" barnes x reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Who could ever Love me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey all, I'm in the process of moving all my writing from Tumblr to AO3 so here you go!! This is an emotional one but there's a happy ending. I hope you all enjoy &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Self-hate has always been a fickle thing with you.</p><p>Berating yourself until your eyes are burning and your cheeks are rubbed raw from the constant wiping. Refusing to look at your reflection no matter what because the second your eyes fall on your face the world is torn from beneath your feet with whispered jokes and harsh giggles from every direction. Sobbing in changing rooms with armfuls of clothes – none of which look remotely attractive on you – trying so hard to hold yourself together because your friends are waiting outside for you. </p><p>Self-hate is never something that you’re born with, it’s something imprinted on your flesh like a brand on cattle. Its burned into the deepest parts of your mind whilst you’re growing up. Starting with the way that your classmates purposely exclude you from group games at playtime. Or the way that you were always last to be picked for a team game because no one wants you. It starts when people whisper barely audible jokes about the way you look when you walk past them in the hall, or on the street.</p><p>It carries on was you get older and move through the years, with the way that groups of teenage boys dare their friends to ask you out as a joke and laugh when you think they're serious, they laugh at the hopeful glee which fills your eyes because someone likes you right? It continues when you sit and eat your lunch alone because no one wants to associate themselves with you, or been seen near you for that matter. </p><p>Self-hate was something that was taught to you, and so now? Now you couldn’t look at your reflection without magnifying every horrible thing about yourself and bawling because you’re so ugly. Now you couldn’t accept a compliment because you're waiting for them to laugh in your face about how stupid you are for believing them.</p><p>So, when you first met Natasha you were internally screaming at yourself because once again they're playing a joke on you, no one wants to be with you, you’re not beautiful or funny or talented in any way shape or form. You’re ugly and unlovable.</p><p>She is everything you’re not.</p><p>And so, the moment she sat down next to you in the small quaint coffee shop you hide away in, you’re fighting the urge to stand up and run as far away from her as possible. Not because she’s intimidating (although to be honest she is) but because the fear that you’ve become the victim of another cruel joke settled its weight on your shoulders again and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. </p><p>But then she was talking to you – asking you a question but it was talking none the less – and for once in your life, the fear of being around someone else melted away, like ice beginning to thaw after winter. You were laughing and joking and doing everything you never had the chance to do growing up and it felt weird and unnatural and the initial panic came back but then she was making another joke and you were happy and carefree. Not worried in the slightest about whether she was just setting you up to be the laughing stock like everyone else used to. </p><p>Then you were exchanging phone numbers and promising to meet up again soon because ‘I’ve had such an amazing time talking to you’ and you feel like your dreaming because this can’t be real, but then your pinching yourself and it hurts so you must be awake. So, you're walking home with a smile on your face because for once you have a friend.</p><p>For months after you’re meeting up for coffee and exchanging stories and laughing at every stupid thing that comes out of your mouths and suddenly the world doesn’t seem so bad and looking in the mirror before you leave the house doesn’t make you grimace anymore, there’s a faint light shining at the end of the tunnel.</p><p>But it’s all thrown into the dumpster when she wants to take you back to the avengers’ tower to meet everyone else and your fretting and crying and hyperventilating because fuck you can’t find anything to wear which doesn’t make you look like a whale in clothes. The insults are back and every horrible backhanded comment made your way comes back like a tidal wave and your drowning in the depths.</p><p>When you finally decide on something that doesn’t make tears immediately spring to your eyes Natasha’s already waiting outside and you’re furiously dabbing at your eyes to rid yourself of the redness which came with your near-constant crying and taking deep breaths to calm your racing heart which is about to burst from your chest.</p><p>The whole ride there is filled with laughs and chatter and for a second you forget where you’re going, panic receding like the tide once again. Then she’s pulling into the underground parking garage and your throat is closing up in absolute panic because oh god what jokes await you? What facial expressions will you see when they lay eyes on you for the first time?</p><p>Yet the second you walk into the place they call the common room you're faced with bright smiles and warm hugs and no one’s recoiling in disgust at your appearance, or excluding you from conversation or whispering about you right in front of your face like you’re not there. </p><p>They’re laughing and joking with you – not about you – and just like it was when you first met Nat your walls crumble and your joining in, making jokes and fitting in like you’ve known them your whole life when in reality you’ve known them for a few hours. The overwhelming fear which usually follows you around like a personal cloud is evaporating into thin air and your shoulders aren’t so tense anymore and your smile is genuine, the urge to hide disappears and you can finally look people in the eye. </p><p>Then you meet Bucky, and your world is turned on its side. </p><p>Because he is without a doubt the most beautiful person you have ever laid eyes on – and yes it might be the first time you’ve ever seen him but its love at first sight. </p><p>He’s walking into the room with hunched shoulders and trying to make himself as small as possible, but to you, he’s the largest thing in the room aside from Tony’s ego. And when you make eye contact as he pulls a bottle of water from the fridge you're looking at the floor, because it’s the most interesting thing in the world at the moment, therefore you miss the way his lips twitch into the faintest smile at your reaction. </p><p>From then on out your coming over to the tower more and more often, almost to the point where you spend more time there than you do at your own home. And it’s kind of funny because you consider it home because the people in it make you feel wanted and beautiful and whether they know it or not they’re scraping away at the layers of hatred surrounding your heart.</p><p>And the best part about it all is how close you get to Bucky. It took a while to get where you are now with him, kisses on the cheek as a greeting, and rare smiles which light up your whole world and fuck the more time you spend with him the more you fall in love and right now it feels like a bottomless pit your falling into because it doesn’t seem to have an end anymore. </p><p>But life has always had its setbacks and yours comes in the form of years of self-hate barrelling into you when you’re faced with something that brings back years of awful memories involving fake attraction. Your setback came in the form of unrelenting fear clouding your mind like fog when the man you're infiltrated with feels the same way. </p><p>**</p><p>The second he walks into the room you can tell he’s nervous, uncertainty seeping from his every pore as he makes his way towards you with unsteady steps and a racing heart. </p><p>“Hey (Y/N)?” He asks gently, voice a mere whisper to gain your attention as you turn to face him, a smile on your face “Can I talk to you for a second?”</p><p>“What’s up Buck?” You say softly, pushing away your lunch to look up at him “If you say ‘the sky’, super soldier or not I will fight you” You joke, letting out a breath of relief when he laughs, easing the tension ever so slightly. </p><p>But then he’s clamming up and stuttering over his own breath as he tries to put into words the way he feels but he can’t and you’re looking at him like he means the world to you and it makes his heart beat faster and the air freeze in his lungs.</p><p>But he must look so stupid just gazing at you trying to build up the courage to tell you that he likes you more than a friend and suddenly he feels so fucking guilty because you deserve so much more than what he can offer you because the only thing he can give you is an unstable mind and a broken body and you deserve so much more than that. But he needs to tell you how he feels before he implodes, consequences be damned.</p><p>“(Y/N), Doll, I-I need to tell you something” He stops dead in his tracks, fingers picking at the loose thread of his sweater sleeve. </p><p>“Okay, what is it?” You prod softly, linking your fingers through his own to stop him from demolishing his sweater sleeve, giving a soft squeeze to hopefully reassure him. </p><p>“I don’t really know how to say this” He began, blue eyes darting around the room, focusing on everything but your face. </p><p>“Hey” You said gently reaching your hand up to his face, cupping his cheek in your hand “It’s okay, just take a deep breath and let it out” You smile.</p><p>Taking your advice Bucky sucks in a deep breath and releases it slowly –</p><p>“(Y/N), we’ve been friends for quite a while now and I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as amazing and beautiful and caring as you” He began slowly, gauging your reaction before he carried on “And from the first moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were the one” He pauses again, dipping his head down to hide his face “At first I was afraid because this whole thing is so new to me and all these feelings are confusing and” </p><p>“You okay?” You interrupt, feeling his hand shaking inside your own, nervousness pouring off him. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah” He laughs, brushing off your concern “Anyway what I want to say is that I like you (Y/N) more than a friend and I was wondering if you would like to go out with me?” He grimaces at the last part, face scrunching up in what looks suspiciously like fear before dropping his head once again to stare at the floor. </p><p>But you're frozen to the spot and when you look at him you don’t see his hopeful face. You see sneers and smirks and hysterical laughter echoing around you. You see all the boys who asked you out as a joke and you hear all his friends sniggering off to the side because you’re a laughing stock once again. All you can feel is the burn of humiliation in your gut and tears streaming down your face because how could you be so stupid to think that someone would want to be with you.</p><p>You don’t see Bucky’s face completely drop before panic consumes him because you’re looking at him with tears in your eyes and a humiliation so strong that it knocks him off his feet. But he watches you swallow harshly and steel yourself before opening your mouth and muttering –</p><p>“You’re joking, aren’t you?” It’s not phrased as a question, more like a statement and he finally understands what you’re getting at, and it hurts because no, he’s not joking in the slightest but clearly you think he is and he wants to go back in time and punch everyone who ever made you think that you’re unlovable, or that you’re not beautiful.</p><p>Because to him you are stunning, and perfect in every way possible but you can’t see that because your whole life you’ve been conditioned to think that you’re not and my god he wishes he could take that all away from you so you could see yourself how he sees you. </p><p>“No doll, I’m not joking I promise” He says reassuringly, squeezing your hand to get you to focus on him “I want to be with you”</p><p>“You’re lying” </p><p>And you're squeezing your eyes shut because you don’t want to see the sick smile on his face which usually greets you the second you open your eyes. </p><p>But then you’re feeling the pad on his thumb wiping away the tears which have escaped your eyes against your will, and you're opening them to look at him and he’s looking at you with such adoration and love and everything you’ve never seen before and for once maybe someone’s not messing around with you. </p><p>“I promise babydoll I’m not lying, I want you” </p><p>“You want me?” You question timidly, staring at him with such intensity he’s surprised his skin doesn’t blister, looking into his eyes to find even a trace that he’s lying at you. But he’s not. </p><p>“Oh baby, I’ve wanted you for a long time” He smiles dropping his thumb from your cheek to your bottom lip, tracing over it with the lightest of strokes. </p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“How could I not babygirl?” He questions, but it’s not for you to answer “You are beautiful, strong, loyal, caring and funny. You are amazing and talented and everything I don’t deserve” His voice gets lower the more he continues until it’s a deep lull to your ears “I’ve done some horrific things in my life” He whispers “Things which have tainted me and made me ugly but my god I would never lie to you about this”</p><p>“I love you (Y/N)”</p><p>You’re looking at him, reading his every expression and emotion passing through his eyes and there’s not even the slightest hint that he’s lying to you and for the first time in your life you let yourself believe that he wants to be with you. You let yourself hope and pray with everything that you are that he’s telling the truth, that this isn’t some huge joke. </p><p>“I love you too” It’s a whisper among the air, fearful in a sense but it means more to him than you could ever know. </p><p>So, he dips his head down and brushes his lips against your own with the first kiss you’ve ever experienced, and your heart flutters in your chest and the weight which has been pushed onto you leaves for the first time and you feel like your floating in mid-air because your loved, and this time it’s not a joke, its real –</p><p>And for the first time in your life maybe you are lovable.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi again, I hope you all enjoyed reading this.</p><p>If anyone relates to this fic then I'm truly sorry, all the things I included in this are things that have happened to me IRL. If any of you need someone to talk to then I'm always here for you.</p><p>I love you all so much and thank you for reading &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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